Bonnaroo (A Hypothetical)

The attempt to earn a college degree as well as maintain an active fanaticism for music is a long and difficult struggle for a number of reasons: time, money, the usuals. This year's Bonnaroo festival lineup laughs in my face, taunting my poor, busy college student ass. But if I were able to go, here's a rundown of where I'd be:

Thursday
Thursday's lineup is comedy-heavy and music-light. The only band I'd really make a priority to see would be The National, the newest buzz band in indie-rock. Aside from glowing reviews from Pitchfork and everyone else, a friend of mine caught the band opening for Arcade Fire at Radio City Music Hall and had nothing but great things to say about them. They hit "That Tent" from 10:30 to 11:30 p.m. Aside from that, I'd be sure to catch Lewis Black & Friends (8:15 to 9:30) and David Cross plus Aziz Ansari and Nick Kroll (11:45 to 1 a.m.) in the "Yet Another (Comedy) Tent." After the late comedy show, I'd head over to the Troo Music Lounge to catch Athens, Ga. trio The Whigs (1:30 to 2:30), because nothing bad has ever come out of Athens, Ga.

Friday
After a late night on Thursday, I'd probably be tempted to sleep in on Friday. But hell, if I'm hypothetically throwing down at least 185 bucks for this festival, I should probably get my money's worth. And although I've already seen The Roots live, seeing them again would guarantee I'd get my money's worth. Since OutKast disappointed with its Idlewild soundtrack, The Roots stepped up with Game Theory and became the best hip-hop band in the world. Unfortunately, due to their time (6 to 7:30 p.m.) on the "What Stage," I'd completely miss Lily Allen. The other disappointment about Friday night at Bonnaroo is that Tool is the only band playing between 8 and midnight. What the shit is that?

Aside from the Roots, I'd probably keep a lookout for The Nightwatchman in "That Tent", Tom Morello's new solo project. Dude hasn't done anything cool since The Battle For Los Angeles, but I'd be curious enough to check him out (4:30 - 5:45). Late night, the fest features a trio of white hip-hop artists (Aesop Rock, El-P, DJ Shadow), but I'd personally rather catch the Ravi Coltrane Quartet (12 to 1 a.m.) at "Somethin' Else" before jumping to see the tail end of El-P's set (and all of DJ Shadow's).

Saturday
This is when shit gets real, with the reunited (and reportedly disgruntled) Police playing "What Stage" from 9 to 11:30 p.m., followed by The Flaming Lips on "Which Stage" from midnight to 2:30 a.m. What a nightcap. But even before that, I'd set up camp in "That Tent" for Spoon (6 to 7:30) and The Hold Steady (4:15 to 5:30). I think this would probably be the best day of my life. Before that, I could set up in That Tent early for Annuals (2:45 to 3:45) after catching my favorite Philly indie-pop group Dr. Dog in This Tent (12:45 to 1:45) for some early afternoon psychedelia.

Sunday
This is, by far, the most aggravating day of the festival. Who's the asshole who overlapped The Decemberists ("Which Stage," 4:30 to 6), Wilco ("What Stage," 5:30 to 7), Feist ("This Tent," 6 to 7:30) and The White Stripes (Which Stage, 7:15 to 8:45)?!?!?! I honestly don't know where to begin with this. All four artists have been said to put on stellar live shows, and I've missed out on all opportunities to see any of them (that poor college student thing). That said, I'd have to play it by ear. If I had to guess, I'd sacrifice the better part of Feist's set to see all of the Decemberists' and a half hour of Wilco's. Then I'd hustle over to see Leslie finish her show and miss the first 15 of the White Stripes' set. But don't worry, I'd be able to catch most of Widespread Panic! Thanks, Bonnaroo!

Before the late evening clusterfuck, I'd make sure I caught Flight of The Conchords plus Demetri Martin in the "Yet Another (Comedy) Tent" (2:00 - 3:15) to keep a good music/comedy balance. Unfortunately, because of the generally awesome lineups on Saturday and Sunday, I'd miss out on Dave Attell's set. I've got more complaints than that, but it's hard to complain when you're seeing so many bands.

Well, hypothetically, anyway.